The Optimized Cookie

[Author’s note: I wrote this when my face broke out with acne a few years ago. Posting this here to tell people like me who have cystic acne, who have social anxiety, who have many insecurities that you are beautiful and that you are not alone.]

Dear Anxiety,

I wish I could say it was nice being introduced to you, and that I enjoy your company, but that’s just not it. You’ve stuck with me since the day we met, so I should say props to you for being loyal and consistent, having been there all throughout those nights I couldn’t sleep; all those nights you made my tear ducts break and my eyes all puffy the next morning.

I could thank you, but I won’t. I refuse to embrace you as a permanent part of my life, although I feel that there will always be a part of you in me. It’s hard not to notice you, Anxiety. Your presence is striking (it’s actually eating me alive), and you’ve made me stay away from social media and the people I shouldn’t even be wary around in the first place. You’ve fueled my late night thoughts with things that are on one occassion, deep and thought provoking, but on others destructive.

You’ve done a lot of things to me – you’ve made a scratch on the confident personality I’ve thrived on for years; you’ve slowly broken down the wall of fragile self-esteem I tried to build for so long; you’ve made me spontaneously cry in both public and private places because of the negativity you fed me when I was so vulnerable. You did a lot of things.

But I’m finally putting my foot down. I can’t go on with you still strongly attached to my now crumbling person. It’s hard and it will take time. I know there will still be days where you’ll visit me and make me feel your presence. You’ve left me with scars both emotionally and physically. However time will heal these scars eventually, but sometimes some scars don’t fade at all. They serve as a constant reminder of all the pain I’ve been through, they’re a reminder that I’m imperfect, I’m weak, and that I don’t belong anywhere. That I’ll never be beautiful.

But those are all the things I’ve learned from you, Anixety. Now I’m slowly trying to fix myself, little by little, and get myself acquainted with Positivity and Self Reinforcement.

Scars are a reminder that I went through the pain and that I’m strong enough to have passed through it all. They are a reminder that I will be okay — probably not today, but someday. They are present with me physically because I was so unaccepting of them, I tried so many things to make them go away but it only ended up being worse and now I should just learn to embrace them, that they might be a part of me for a long time and that there’s nothing wrong with that. I shouldn’t care if people call me ugly, and scarred, and pimple-y. They build good character. At least I hope they do for me.

I’m not at the point where I’m completely okay yet. But I know I will be. I just have to keep telling these things to myself until I don’t have to anymore. And if anybody’s feeling the same way as I am, you will be okay too.

Goodbye, Anxiety. I’ve learned a lot from you but today is the day I’ll try to start loving myself again.

Love,

Pidge