The Optimized Cookie

Hello. I’ve been out of it for a very long time because of so many things going down in my personal life.

To give a quick recap, I went weeks looking for a new job and resigned from my previous one, only to have my mental health go down forcing me to quit from it before I even started. I was lucky enough to have them be very understanding of my situation.

On better news, I am now back in my hometown, away from the Metro and hopefully, away from the noise. I genuinely feel like the peace of mind I have now is such a stark difference to how I felt before, alone in my condo, and it’s such a great healing feeling.

I acknowledge I’m very fortunate to have secured papers just in time for me to go home, have enough resources to do so and have my own space for a 2-week home quarantine to clear my name from being listed as a PUM (Person/s Under Monitoring). As of writing, it’s been more than two weeks since I finished said home quarantine.

Despite the waters feeling calm on the surface right now, a lot is going down underneath. These days, a lot of words are being thrown out to the public and frankly, I can’t even distinguish if its smoke and mirrors or not. I guess it’s always a better choice to believe it but with much caution.

And I don’t know if I share some of my fears with anybody else, but I am and always have been afraid of violence, of people who take advantage of other people physically (especially sexually) and mentally, and of being kidnapped. Lately, these have been the subject of my nightmares for the past weeks and I really want it to stop but don’t know how to.

These fears seem to become more of a reality day by day as news articles fly by one after the other. And every day I find myself wishing desperately for things to be okay; for threats to stop; for killings to be gone; for guns not be shot; and for impending wars not to even be a choice.

I wish the good will overpower the bad, no matter how hard it would seem to do.

I wish I could go to the future, come back, and tell my present self the answer to the question I ask every waking minute, “will things be okay?”